Realization...

I saw a picture the other day that caused an emotional reaction I didn't expect. My wife was showing me a video. In the video there were pictures of little babies hands and feet and of their sleeping faces. They were with Daddies and it immediately brought me to tears. I did not expect that sort of reaction. When we lost our baby

I took it better than I thought I would. I think I was strong and sort of wondered where the tears I thought I should be crying were?

I never knew how much I was looking forward to being a dad than when I found out that I wasn't going to be one. The saying goes that you don't know what you have until it's gone. I didn't have a child to physically hold in my arms, I guess that's the huge difference between the woman and the man in a situation like this. They say the woman bonds instantly as soon as she has the positive test result and the "side-effects" that tell her she is pregnant. The man doesn't get that opportunity and instead bonds when the child is born.

My emotion was brought on by a combination of this new found understanding of the desire to be a father, and seeing those pictures of what I won't have... yet. I can't wait until we are cleared by the doctor to try again. I don't want to replace the child we lost, but I know that I will love and appreciate a child that much more now.

Dear God I need you so much in my life. I'm not strong enough to change on my own. Make me the man I need to be. In Christ name Amen

Faith...

"Faith is to believe what we do not see, and the reward of faith is to see what we believe." Saint Augustine

The fields were parched and brown from lack of rain, and the crops lay wilting from thirst. People were anxious and irritable as they searched the sky for any sign of relief. Days turned into arid weeks. No rain came.
The ministers of the local churches called for and hour of prayer on the town square the following Saturday. They requested that everyone bring an object of faith for inspiration.
At high noon on the appointed Saturday the townspeople turned out en masse, filling the square with anxious faces and hopeful hearts. The ministers were touched to see the variety of objects clutched in prayerful hands- holy books, crosses, rosaries.
When the hour ended, as if on magical command, as soft rain began to fall. Cheers swept the crowd as they held their treasured objects high in gratitude and praise. From the middle of the crowd one faith symbol seemed to overshadow all the others: A small nine-year-old child had brought an umbrella. ~(Chicken Soup for the Christian Soul, pg 198)~

This reminds me of the story in Matthew of the centurion. A man who was not Christian came to Jesus because he had faith that his son would be healed by him. Jesus did not have to go and lay hands on the boy, the centurion's faith in Christ healed his son. I think all too often we look past how powerful faith is.


Father God I pray that you help me build up my faith in you. Lord I pray that you be with Grandma as she makes the transition from the earthly world. Give her peace that she need not fear death. Comfort her Lord and comfort the family. A mother is so special in a family God and losing her is going to be hard. Please be with us for we know that your yoke is easy Lord, and your burden is light. In your son Jesus Christ's holy name. Amen

Keep Saving me.

I have been thinking about something we Christians say, "I'm saved". Saved sounds like something that happened in the past. But what about the sins I've committed this month, this week, even today? Does that one instant save me for the rest of my life? I guess I'm not 100% sure that it does. I wonder if maybe we shouldn't be asking for saving every day? I remember reading that Jesus says something to the effect of "what good is salt that loses it's saltiness?". I read that and think he's saying that we need to continue to strive, continue in our quest to be more Christlike, but also continue to show God the respect and devotion that he deserves. With that I think asking him to save us many times, over and over again is part of it. It's not easy living life sometimes, but our Lord is always with us. I'm going to let this song be my prayer for today. Please God listen to my heart and guide me.

29...

My anniversary passed, now my 29Th birthday. I don't feel like these two milestones have even come and gone. Money's tight, I had to work for both. I guess it's a bit weird but even here at work with 8 other people I feel alone. I woke up alone today, and the feeling seems to have stuck on me. It's like I'm wearing the feeling on my back, carrying it from place to place as my day goes on. I miss my wife. I've never known someone who could make any situation better just by being there. Like when I change position in bed just so my leg touches her leg, or my arm touches her arm. It's just better when she's there. We can lie next to each other and watch a TV show, comfortable and warm under the covers. Mostly I just close my eyes and enjoy the feeling of her next to me. The smell of her lotion, her shampoo. Her little toes tucked under my calf to stay warm. Good night Annie, I'll be there in the morning.

Religion at work...

I couldn't find a picture to go along with this. In fact I didn't even think "this" would come about as something to blog about. I was reading over some sermons posted on our churches website and found a piece of scripture that was used that spoke about the importance of helping others. Helping those who may not be as strong, or as able so that the unit functions as a whole. Of course this is definitely a major paraphrase. If you are curious what the verse I am referring too it is Romans 15:1-6, Paul's letter to the Romans. This chapter speaks of unity and the glory that can be found in a unified group of Christians following Christ. I felt that it had a much farther reaching meaning that could be applied to a workforce that can also benefit from being a unified front. Helping each other attain goals so that the outcome benefits all, for surely if one fails most likely all will fail.

I didn't think about the fact that these words of wisdom had come from a book that corporate America seems to frown on. The Bible, while something that brings me joy and hope for my life seems to have caused a bit of stir here in my little neck of the woods. I've been told by two individuals that it was inappropriate to share something from the Bible on a corporate e-mail. It could possibly offend someone. When did people go from being able to express themselves freely without fear of persecution to only being able to do so in small personal groups? I don't apologize if someone was offended by my quotation. If you don't agree with my source then don't read my message. If I were sent similar material from the Koran, or the Hindi Bhagavad Gita I feel that I could read it objectively and take it or leave it. My God is an awesome God and Jesus Christ is my savior. What sort of Christian would I be if I didn't want to share The Gospel with my coworkers? I guess I'm just frustrated. I will have to watch how I share from now on.

Father God I have heard many say that you never allow for a door to close without opening a window. I see now that sharing your word via my companies e-mail won't be tolerated so that door is closed. Please open that window that I may use to be a good disciple. My hope is that through your word and sharing it with others I can come to know you with greater understanding. Please continue to show your love for me in the small miracles that I see in my life each day. Be with me as I try and come out of my shell and let others know of your incredible love. Amen

A More Beautiful You

I think we are all guilty of glancing through magazines and wishing we looked like the woman, or man. It's so ironic that we spend so much of our time and effort on trying to look like that girl or guy on the magazine cover, when to God it matters not a bit about our clothes or our make-up or our hairstyles. God cares about what we are on the inside, and as cliche as that sounds if you can hear it and live it it would take a lot of weight off of your shoulders. And maybe some pain from your heart. Always remember that God loves you, no matter if your clothes say Hollister or Fruit of the Loom.

What if the light at the end of the tunnel is a train?

I hate to be pessimistic, but sometimes it's hard not to be. It just seems like when I think I've got my "stuff" together something I do or have done creeps up and stings me again. Most of my issues stem from the fact that when it comes to the almighty dollar I seem to be unable to change my habits. I guess if you think about it, if it is like a dark tunnel with a light at the end, you're bound to trip over something once in a while before you reach the end. I think the secret is to continue to get back up. Not only to get back up but to keep right on going toward the light at the end. Maybe the tunnel is the journey. The things we trip over along the way are our sins, our earthly stumbling blocks.

After all it does say in John 18:12 "When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."

I see through the progression of this post that my God has comforted me. I went from feeling pessimistic about the world to understanding that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train... It is "The light of the world" Jesus Christ.